God's Timing

     I'm about to tell you a story, a timeline of sorts.  A story that VERY few people know details about including my family.  There was always part of me that told myself that I would never talk about this and the last couple of days God has laid this on my heart and with his hands he's giving me the courage to talk about it.  When some of my family reads this its going to be very difficult and may disappoint some of them but to that I say God had a plan and he knew exactly what he was doing.  I want to start out by saying my whole childhood I was raised in church with a loving Christian family whose always made sure that God was in every aspect of our lives.  I'm not just talking about my parents, I'm talking about my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was very very close to my grandfather as you probably gathered had you read my previous blog.
   
     Lets go back to 2003.  January 2003 when my grandfather past away was by far the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life.  Even being raised in church all my life I never really was one to pray.  That night I really talked to God, not in a way I should have, and meant it.  I remember sitting outside the basement of my grandmother house with my head in my hands, tears pouring down my face and saying, "how could you do this to me" "You've taken the most important person away from me and I'll never forgive you for it." I wouldn't even be surprised if the words "I hate you" came out of my mouth. This was a turning point in my life.  I became a different person.  I stopped going to church, I was very bitter and for a very long time I kept my word, I never "forgave him".

     Now from this point all the way through 2007 I went through a lot of things that effect me emotionally.  I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and with this comes the part of the story I was talking about, the difficult part for my family to hear.  When a certain situation came to light with the ending of a four year relationship I found myself sitting in my apartment, laying in bed, starring at a .40 cal Glock in my hand and wondering if I could. For the first time since 2003, I talked to God and meant it.  "WHY?" "Why are you doing this to me?"  "I try to be a good person and yet you put me through this!?!?" When I knew I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger I  decided to try something else.  I swallowed a handful of hydrocodine in hopes I'd pass out and never return.  That, of course, didn't happen.  While I couldn't tell you exactly what happened on my end my sister could tell you what happened on her end.  Apparently in the midst of all this I had called my sister after taking the pills and she came to my rescue and to this day says when she picked me up I was in the middle of Hixson Pike (a very large main road in our town).  I did seek help after this but not the help that would help me deal with my issues between me and God.

     In 2009 little did I know I would face something that could have ended up harder to deal with than loosing my grandfather.  Mom had a kidney stone.  Wait, what?  I know I know, your wondering how my mother having a kidney stone is worse than loosing my grandfather.  Settle down and let me finish, during this kidney stone process my mother fell very ill and ended up in the hospital with sepsis infection.  My mom spent numerous days in the ICU and if you've never seen a family member in ICU with 5000 things attached to their body well it's very very scary.  To summarize everything, The doctors told us that had we brought her in 48 hours later she would be dead and the next 48 hours are very critical.  I hit my knees again in the hallways of that hospital saying what I had somewhat became used to saying to God. "WHY" "This is something I can't deal with, you can't do this".  Notice a pattern in my "prayers"?  Eventually mom came out ok thank goodness.

     So moving all the way up to this year, I've been married for about a year and a half with a beautiful step daughter, a son on the way, and we just moved right next door to my grandmother and the house where that prayer took place.  I started a new job this year as well so things have taken quite a change in a short amount of time.  About a month ago we sat down to watch a movie that I had been wanting to see and yet I had no idea what it was about.  That movie was "Courageous".  After being raised my whole life in church its hard to believe that a 2 hour movie changed my entire life but it did.  How do I explain this? I'll tell you how, I've realized that I was never on "my" time.  God had a plan the whole time.  He knew what he was doing all along and there is nothing that I could have done to change it.  My prayers today have turned from "why" to "I don't understand just yet but help me and show me through this time."  I'm talking to God more than just in a time of need and instead of my prayers being more for me they've turned more into helping people seeing him through me.  I still struggle everyday and I will continue but with God's grace I can overcome these struggles.

     To wrap this up I would like to encourage anyone who suffers from depression to find someone to talk to.  I of all people know that it's not easy to talk to your family about stuff like this so please know that there are people out there that will listen.  I am one of them.  I'm very easy to contact and would love to help.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.